MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE TORQUE

I told you a time of change was upon us. It's taken awhile but better late than never. With Schlocktoberfest on permanent hiatus as of now - Thanks Katrina! - I felt it was time that this website got a much needed makeover; something it really hasn't had since its inception over three years ago. First big change: a new URL. Welcome to FOYWONDER.COM. If you're still seeing the Schlocktoberfest URL then just CLICK HERE. Both Foywonder.com and Schlocktoberfest.com will take you right back here, and as you can see, the Foyeurism itself is now the front page of the site. At least that's the plan for now. We're still testing things out with the front page makeover so there may or may not be more tweaking to come. Below the FOYEURISM header are four buttons that'll take you to the message board, archives, links, and my Live Journal blog where I do even more news and reviews. The changes to the website are not limited to what you're seeing right now. The Archives section has already been given a massive updating with well over 150 reviews from my Dread Central writings alone. I'll be giving the Links section a long overdue overhaul in the coming days. If you're interested in a links exchange then just drop me an email (addy in the disclaimer below the buttons) and we'll work something out. The message board will also be getting some minor tweaking as well. Hopefully everything will work well for you with the page you're seeing right now and all the links. All of this is still currently a work in progress so don't be surprised if and when something else changes around a little from the last time you saw it. And in celebration of the site's makeover I decided we needed to kick things off with a very special Foyeurism very near and dear to my heart; one that's all about...

THE RADNESS OF CRU JONES

I know showing a KARATE KID knock-off about BMX bike racing in school hardly sounds like an educational experience but considering it happened to me in a middle school phys. ed. class during a week of heavy rains, and, quite frankly, after spending time hearing from my niece and nephew about some of the stuff they're taught in school these days (Speech class assignment: properly lip sync your favorite song?), a showing of such a film was probably far more educational than anyone realized. It certainly made a lasting impression on me. The more I hear about what the schools are like these days the happier I am that I got through it all before common sense fully hopped the rails and our local school systems fully derailed in an almost Irwin Allen-like fashion. It also reminds me why movies like RAD are so important.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO CRU JONES

Yes, RAD - the greatest bike movie ever made and the second greatest KARATE KID knock-off of all time (the first will be the subject of another review another time) - is an all-time favorite of mine and I wasn't even big into BMX as a kid either. This 1986 masterwork of cinema from Hal Neeham, director of MEGFORCE, SMOKEY & THE BANDIT, BODY SLAM, and the CANNONBALL RUN films, is a simple tale about one man with one dream; and that dream is to ride his bicycle and ride it better than everyone in the entire world. No, I'm not talking about the kind of bicycle riding that Lance Armstrong is famous for. That kind of bike riding is for pansies. Why do you think it's so popular in France? I'll tell you why: because the French aren't man enough to ride BMX! Real men, real Americans, they ride dirt bikes. Roads? BMX riders don't need pavement. Uphill inclines? BMX riders don't just climb up hills, they jump over them. You think some namby pamby like Lance Armstrong could navigate a bicycle course as ferocious as HELLTRACK~!? Ha! Ha, I say! Ha, I tell you! The supposed best cyclist in the world has to go to Frogland to trek through the hills on a 10-speed. Everyone knows that the true greatest bike rider there ever was and will ever be is Cru Jones. AMERICAN FLYERS can kiss my ass! It's all about RAD! No doping here.

No political agenda either. No heavy handed preaching. No propaganda. Do not insult Cru Jones with your culture war. Cru Jones does not care if you are liberal or conservative, religious or atheist, straight or gay - none of that matters to Cru Jones. Cru Jones lives by the code of the bike and the bike does not care about those things either. Cru Jones cares only about promoting and protecting the sanctity of BMX and those that ride one. Cru Jones only enemies are the dirt bike aristocracy that believes their superior bike skills and corporate sponsorship makes them superior to the plebian cyclist, and the BMX bourgeoisie that seeks to crush the dreams of the little guy that dares to threaten their monopolistic status quo. No, I have no idea what most of that last paragraph meant either but it sounded good and sometimes that's more important than actual context. Just like RAD.

Cru Jones - now that's a name, folks! His mother will later reveal that his slave name is Christopher. Exactly how the "Cru" nickname came about is anyone's guess; mine would be that it was in reference to Tom Cruise. But Cru it is, and Cru Jones is a name that will go down as one of the titans of myth right alongside Hercules, King Arthur, and Bigfoot.

The role of Cru Jones fell into the bicycle-seated lap of young Bill Allen. His was not a storied Hollywood career; RAD and a supporting role in Robert Altman's STREAMERS being pretty much the highlights. He would follow RAD up with a guest starring appearance on the Pat Morita police detective series Ohara; I guess that counts for something. It does not matter. Bill Allen is Cru Jones. That's all the career one man will ever need. Immortality is his.

C. THOMAS HOWELL

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GAME SHOW HOST GENE RAYBURN

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CRU JONES (AKA BILL ALLEN)

The saga of Cru Jones opens with footage of professional BMX trick riders of the time performing a variety of bicycle tricks to the tune of the sort of song that could only have been done back in the Eighties. This is also how what you'll see during the credits as well, although with a different song. I'm not entirely sure what the song has to do with BMX racing but the person singing assures that we are indeed "Getting Ready to Break the Ice" and when we do so it "feels Like time is standing still." In retrospect, I do believe this song may in fact be a power ballad about one man's love for a bicycle, in which case it would be highly appropriate for this particular motion picture.

RAD's soundtrack is overflowing with tunes that are so disgustingly Eighties you cannot help but find yourself enthralled even as you're repulsed by the sheer Eightiesness of the soundtrack. "Break the Ice" is the first of many such songs to come.

BMXpert Cru Jones along with his bestest of best friends, Becky & Luke, deliver USA Today (It appears that everyone in Cochrane subscribes to USA Today) in a manner more befitting a live action version of the old arcade game Paperboy. What Ferris Bueller did as a mad dash obstacle course to beat his family home is what Cru Jones, paperboy messiah to a town that seemingly does not have its own newspaper, does every single day just to make sure the people of his hometown get their daily news.

Becky is played by actress Marta Kober, who seems to have nicely recovered from being skewered with spear while having sex with her boyfriend in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 to move on to a new life in a new town with a new boyfriend and no noticeable holes through her torso. Another success story from the Jason Relocation Program.

Now despite being a god amongst paperboys, Cru's paper delivery skills could still use some improving. He cannot beat the town clock, and there's the little matter of his paper-tossing knocking the coffee out of the hands of grouchy old bicycle shop owner Mr. Timmer, played by My Favorite Martian's Ray Walston, who reacts to this incident by declaring that "the world would be a lot better off without kids." Whereas Cru prefers the BMX, Mr. Timmer is all about the old time bikes. He peddles around on an old style bike dressed like someone told him he was appearing in a 1939 Mickey Rooney film. I'm actually rather amazed they didn't go all out and have him peddling about on one of those old time bikes with the giant front wheel.

Welcome to the town of Cochrane, state unknown. Cochrane is a great place to raise a child, especially if that child is named Beaver Cleaver and the year is 1957. Cochrane is a shining example of Middle America - at least I'm assuming its Middle America - at its finest. Cochrane is a peaceful town where everyone knows everyone else and crime is such a non-issue that the town's only visible police officer, bald Sgt. Slaughter look-a-like Sgt. Smith, can spend much of the day on his police cycle engaging in a musical interlude in which he attempts to chase down Cru on his BMX bike through a lumberyard, not because the kid actually committed a crime but just because he likes a sporting challenge. Cochrane remains so tranquil, having been untouched by such societal ills as drugs or violence or minorities… I do believe Cochrane was once voted "Whitest in America". Good luck finding a non-Caucasian in this movie. Cochrane is such a whitebread town it's actually kind of hard to imagine they'd even allow something in their humble little abode with the word "HELL" in its name. But they have, and now Cochrane will never be the same.

With hell comes the devil. But this devil is not named Satan or Lucifer or Beelzebub. This Satan goes by the name Duke Best. Operating under the guise of owner of the Mongoose Bicycle Company and President of the Federation of American Bicyclists, otherwise known as FAB, the demonic Duke Best has brought his own brand of treadmarked evil to Cochrane. But like the devil in "The Devil Went Down To Georgia", this devil is going to be challenged by someone he cannot best, despite "Best" being his own last name.

"NO ONE CROSSES THE MONGOOSE BICYCLE CO. AND LIVES TO TELL ABOUT IT!"

The Mayor of Cochrane has called a major town meeting and by major I mean the gathering looks about as well attended as your average school board meeting, to announce that BMX big shot Duke Best is bringing the biggest sporting event in FAB history to their hick town: HELLTRACK~!

Something as awesome as HELLTRACK~! can only be spelled in all caps with a tildebang after it to further emphasize its sheer awesomeness.

HELLTRACK~! - a state-of-the-art dirt bike track designed to test the skills of BMX's very best by combining a variety of BMX biking skills into one giant course. The winner cycles away with the $100,000 prize and a new red Corvette. All the top factory riders will compete, and, despite this film being set years and years before the X-Games would become a financially viable event, being the hometown of HELLTRACK~! is supposedly going to put Cochrane on the map. Good, maybe then we'll have some idea what state it's located in. The dorky looking Mayor of Cochrane - I think it might be Les Nessman's dad, is overjoyed, but not nearly as overjoyed as Duke Best who gets so overexcited at this town meeting/press conference that I kept waiting for him to begin banging his shoe on a podium like Soviet Premier Khrushchev, only out of sheer bliss.

And on the subject of strange bedfellows, Best thanks the man responsible for overseeing the construction of HELLTRACK~!, Mr. Timmer. But I thought he hated kids, particularly the kind that ride around on BMX bikes and knock his coffee out of his hands? This is like declaring you hate homosexuals and then helping organize the world's biggest female impersonator competition in your hometown.

All is going well at the meeting until the question is asked as to how the local kids will feel to see hundreds of riders invading their town while none of them will be allowed to race in their own backyard. The whole meeting comes to a stand still. Duke Best is speechless. Mr. Timmer realizes this is a major problem they all completely overlooked. Logically speaking, this makes about as much sense as a city announcing they will be hosting the Olympics and someone complains that it isn't fair to everyone else in town to now be allowed to compete in the events. Such logic escapes Duke Best. If it hadn't, he would have saved himself a lot of impending grief. Then again, if he had there wouldn't be much of a movie. Best proposes a series of qualifying races that locals are allowed to take part in with $10,000 going to the winner along with a chance to compete in HELLTRACK~!. Everyone applauds, none more than Duke Best, who spastically claps in reaction to his own announcement with all the enthusiasm of a trained seal on a crack high.

WELCOME TO HELLTRACK~!

Naturally, the prospect of a local getting to compete against the best factory riders in the country is too enticing for Cru Jones to resist. Cru is so earnest about this dream of his at times he borders on coming across as a mentally disturbed obsessive. Mom, however, is not so crazy about her son's life choice, especially since the qualifying race is being held the same day as the SATs. She refuses to sign the permission slip leading to many stern conversations between mom and son about him potentially throwing his future away for a stupid dream of riding a bike for a living. Most of these conversations will invoke a mention of Cru's late father. Mom thinks he would have disapproved. Cru thinks he'd have understood. Cru's mom is played by Talia Shire (the Adrian in "Yo, Adrian!") so it's entirely possible that Cru's father might very well be Rocky Balboa. If so, I do believe he would have understood and been 100% behind Cru.

Nothing demands a parade down main street quite like a horde of BMX bike riders descending upon your quaint little town to partake in an event known as HELLTRACK~!. And by parade I mean professional BMX racers driving their vehicles down main street hauling their bikes while a few others actually bother to ride theirs. Honestly, this parade is pathetic even by small town high school homecoming standards. And why does this parade also include circus clowns and Shriners in their goofy little cars?

However, it is during this parade that we will be introduced to our other villain. Just having the Mephistopheles of the Mongoose bike company isn't enough. Here comes his Faust's. Bart Taylor, the #1 BMX racer in the whole damn universe, has arrived. RAD pretty much marked the beginning and the end of the acting career of multi-Olympic gold medal gymnast Bart Conner. Here blonde pretty boy champion athlete Bart is required to do little more than play a blonde pretty boy champion athlete named Bart. Granted his blonde pretty boy champion athlete named Bart is supposed to be an egotistical jerk so I suppose it was a bit of a stretch for him. Bart (Conner) plays Bart (Taylor) as if he were playing a rich pretty boy snob from a REVENGE OF THE NERDS or some other teen sex comedy. You know what I'm talking about. It just so happens that this excessively vain, often disinterested in anything other than himself, pretty boy snob is the top factory rider in the country.

"I'M AWESOME. YOU'RE NOT. THANK YOU. GO SCREW YOURSELF."

Bart Taylor is flanked by his cohorts in crime, the Reynolds twins - Rod & Rex. As was the rule of 1980s cinema, the stuck up jerkwad had to have henchjerkwads that were basically his doppelgangers but to a lesser degree and a bit more aloof than their alpha male superior. The Reynolds twins accomplish this with flying colors. Identical twins (Duh!), Rod & Rex are brought to life by Chad & Carey Hayes. While the Hayes twins wouldn't have the most illustrious acting career, they would find success behind the scenes as both co-producers of the short lived series The Crow: Stairway to Heaven and as Hollywood screenwriters. Did you catch last year's remake of HOUSE OF WAX? They wrote it. They're currently penning a new remake of THE BLOB as well. From playing the henchmen for a vacuous, stuck up blonde to writing a screenplay for a film in which the quintessential vacuous, stuck up blonde of our generation got a metal pipe through her face... What a world.

Being that their factory riders for Mongoose, Bart Taylor and the Reynolds twins are all minions of the Ayatollah of BMX, Duke Best. They also hate hick towns. They can't believe this dinky little town was chosen to be the home of HELLTRACK~!. They're practically offended that they even have to lower themselves by setting foot with these future red staters. You know, as opposed to the bright light, big city upscale locations where BMX races were traditionally held back in the mid-1980s. And because these arrogant pricks are championship jocks, they will be accompanied by a small entourage of Eighties class bimbos (i.e. big hair, too much make-up, Nu Wave attire, generally looking like a rock video skank).

Uh oh! There's a woman in distress. She left a cake on in the oven and needs to get home before it's ruined but her car is blocked due to the parade. Never fear, Cru Jones is here! Cru need put a halt to the parade with a single hand gesture so that this lady can get home in time to rescue that cake. For doing so, this lady in the station wagon will go on to become Cru Jones biggest fan, almost bordering on creepy middle aged, under sexed housewife territory. "Such a nice boy," she says. It always starts out so innocently but then...

While we're talking about attraction, Cru makes eye contact with the driver of the parade truck he halted to let the lady pass. Behind the wheel is Christian Hollings, the #1 female BMX rider in the world. As we'll come to learn, Chris (as she's known for short) is not there to compete in HELLTRACK~!. She has instead been sent by her factory as something of a show piece. Really, she's there to serve as mentor, muse, and snuggle bunny for our hero. The glances they share... She might as well have hopped out of the truck and started making out with him right there on the spot. They might have too if it hadn't been for Sgt. Smith driving up and running off Cru, who chooses to make his getaway by riding up, onto, and over someone's parked car. This time Cru actually does commit a crime and yet the cop chooses not to pursue him; not that he would have been able to catch him anyway.

Christian Hollings AKA Chris is played by Lori Loughlin, who would go on to play tonsil hockey with John Stamos on Full House. Cru Jones > Uncle Jesse.

But before Cru can trade up in the world for a higher class of female he's still got to deal with his current gal, Katie. Cru is constantly trying to impress Katie with bike tricks. This is like me trying to impress a girl by encouraging her to read my FROST: PORTRAIT OF A VAMPIRE review. Katie, however, does not feel the Zen of the BMX, therefore dooming whatever relationship they once had. The last straw comes when he informs her that he intends to pick her up for their date to the big "Welcome to Cochrane, HELLTRACK~! Racers" dance on his bike. Logically, that does sort of make sense considering the nature of the event, but Katie calls him immature - a word that will haunt Cru throughout the film - and breaks up with him on the spot. Something about Katie's hairstyle leads me to believe that she looks like she'd be happier being married to right wing Senator.

Alas, Katie could not appreciate the majesty of Cru Jones on a BMX. Their love wasn't meant to be. How can Cru ever find love with a woman when the bicycle is his true mistress? Cru's only hope for earthly love is to find a woman into three-ways who can accept the bike into their bed. Thank goodness one just rolled into town with a bike all her own. Make that into four-ways.

Welcome to the big dance to celebrate HELLTRACK~! and welcome the factory riders to town. It's taking place in a high school gymnasium and looks less elaborate than a dance sponsored by a Christian youth group. Mr. Timmer and Duke Best congratulate one another on the rousing success of the whole HELLTRACK~! endeavor. I'm not seeing it yet myself so I'll just have to take their word for it.

This scene is in desperate need of some people in bad 80s fashions doing bad 80s dance steps to bad 80s pop music. Thank goodness for Bart Taylor, the Reynolds twins, and their spandex clad bike rats. Taylor is so damn cool that the dance's MC, Mr. Timmer, and Duke Best all feel the need to openly fawn over his dancing prowess, much of which consists of what Billy Idol would describe as "Dancing with Myself". Or was that song a metaphor for something else? Yet another question for another day.

That Rod & Rex seem to be sharing a single girl raises a few more questions that will never get brought up in a PG-rated film. The most important question of all would be what the hell are the Reynolds twins wearing during this dance sequence? They're wearing matching... I don't even know what to call what they're wearing. They look like they're wearing drag-colored variations of the "Visitor's Friends" uniforms from the classic alien invasion miniseries V. It's the only thing I can think to compare it to. Come to think of it, there is one other very apt comparison I can make...

NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO PARTY QUITE LIKE TOMAX & XAMOT

Meanwhile, outside the school gym wearing, Cru impresses the easily impressed with his own bike tricks when he's suddenly upstaged by Chris. Of what little we've come to know about Chris thus far, she's the #1 female rider, also rides for Mongoose, and cannot stand Bart Taylor. Either they once briefly dated and things went sour fast or she just can't detests the jerk. We're never sure but Taylor is so fed up with her rejecting his advances he wants her kicked off the Mongoose team. Chris can somehow sense that Cru Jones is the one that will bring balance to the BMX force and begins her plan to seduce him and mold him into the man that will dethrone BMX sith lord Darth Taylor.

Chris and Cru take the dance floor to do a dance with their bikes. Yes, dancing on their bikes; dancing on their bikes to the tune of one hit wonder band Real Life's "Send Me An Angel". This is indescribable. They're riding around the dance floor doing bike tricks and posing. We often never see wheels because it's obvious that the actors were being assisted. Other times it's obviously stunt doubles. Toss in that song, disco lighting, and excessive use of slow motion - forget HELLTRACK~!, folks. Welcome to a whole other kind of hell. This is both one of the most amazing and yet most appalling spectacles you'll ever see. Like any good train wreck it is impossible not to look away.

IN THE WORLD OF RAD THIS QUALIFIES AS FOREPLAY

Everyone loves it. Well, Bart Taylor doesn't. How dare he be shown up? He's been served. BMX served!

The dance finishes, the crowd applauds, and for some reason Cru freaks out and rides home as fast as possible. Was it the girl? Was it the adulation of others? Was it that he just realized how ridiculous the last five minutes have been?

It's now the next day and that dastardly fiend Bart Taylor struts into a crowded mom & pop diner with a bimbo on each arm and demands a seat like as if he owns the place. Since the entire town has HELLTRACK~! fever and has taken to giving in to the whim of the BMX elite, the diner's owner decides Becky and Luke need to be ejected so he can give their booth to the BMX superstar. This also happens to be the diner where Cru works as a waiter. If you've ever seen BETTER OFF DEAD then you can pretty much guess where this scene leads, but you'd be wrong. You find yourself wondering why this scene was even included since it had no payoff other than Becky and Luke getting ejected in favor of a cool guy.

Chris shows up at the makeshift practice where Cru, Luke, and Becky practice doing complex bike jumps. Wait, were they just at the diner? Anyway, she proceeds to help coach him on how to perform a BMX aerial back flip. Things do not end well. Cru crashes and burns. Nobody was filming it and America's Funniest Home Videos, Jackass, and YouTube are still many years away from coming to fruition. So, uh, it was really all for nothing.

Enough with all this bike riding; it's time for romance! Cue the ballad. Start the montage. Nothing says romance like Ass Sliding! What's that you say? What's Ass Sliding you ask? "What's Ass Sliding?" Chris also asks.

"THIS IS ASS SLIDING!"

I can't quite tell if it's supposed to be a makeshift waterslide that the town's kids have constructed to slide down into a nearby river out in the woods or if they're sliding down some a sewage run-off drain that leads into the Cochrane's water supply. Whatever it is it looks to be made of concrete and not very comfortable for sliding down even when fully clothed. Perhaps the rug burn it leaves on your buttocks is why they call it Ass Sliding, or maybe it's because the friction shreds the seat of your pants exposing your rear to the world?

Young love blooms. Ass Sliding only enflames their already incinerating hormones that much more. First BMX bike dancing and now Ass Sliding - I shudder to think what their sex life will be like. Hey, his name is Christopher and her name is Christian. If they marry I bet they'll go on to have a daughter named Christina and a son named Crustopher.

Enough romance, mom's mad again. She again vehemently forbids him from partaking in the big qualifying races. Thanks to his tomboyish kid sister Wesley and her master parental forging skills, Cru now has his qualifier release form signed. Destiny awaits!

It's time to qualify. Is this the park? The woods? Where the hell is this being held? Wherever, it involves a massive number of racers all vying for one of the 20 slots in HELLTRACK~!: three races each, best times advance. Bart Taylor and the Reynolds Twins easily advance. We see our first instance of Mongoose playing dirty as one of the Reynolds twins bumps Cru's bud Luke off the path and straight into a lake, destroying his bike in the process.

Shouldn't the other racers be more than a little disturbed or at least a might offended that the head of FAB and main benefactor behind the creation of HELLTRACK~! feels the need to grab the microphone from the TV announcer to give a shout out to "my man" Bart Taylor? Not exactly being impartial, huh?

Now it's Cru's turn. The qualifying races are being broadcast on live television in Cochrane. The TV announcer goes out of his way to talk up the local hopeful Cru Jones as if he already knows exactly where this plot is going. Cru's bud Luke already participated, and no doubt there have to be some other local riders are giving it a shot, but the TV announcer couldn't give a crap about any of them. "All eyes are on Cru Jones," he declares. Those eyes include that of his mother. Despite her constant declarations that Cru is wasting his time on that bike and forbidding him from taking part in the race, there she is watching the qualifying races on TV while she does laundry. Mom's mad. The laundry must wait; a butt whoopin' is a comin'. Will Smith was right. Parents just don't understand.

THIS OVEREXCITED KID IS GOING TO BE CRUSHED WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS IT TO HIM THAT THESE RACES WERE JUST STAGED FOR THE MOVIE AND AREN'T FOR REAL

If there's one thing that the 80s was great for musically speaking it would be what I like to call montage rock. These are rock songs that taken out of context often sound exceptionally cheesy with ridiculously over-the-top inspirational lyrics. But take these same songs with their ham fisted, feel good, motivational lyrics and set them to a montage from a movie where someone is trying to overcome the odds to fulfill a dream and the result is nothing short of movie magic. Montage rock was a hallmark of classic 80s cinema. Would THE KARATE KID's triumph at the tournament tasted nearly as sweet if we hadn't seen that montage of his winning match after match with a song reassuring us that Daniel LaRusso was indeed "the best around"? Could Rocky Balboa have built up the nerve to fly to Russia and engage in even more montages prior to his fight with Ivan Drago if he had not gone for a car driving flashback montage of everything that had previously happened in the first half hour of the film reminding him that there was in fact "No Easy Way Out"? Without montage rock, countless nerds wouldn't have gotten revenge, ski bums would never have defeated rich snobs and got laid, endless KARATE KID/ROCKY knock-offs would have never won the big match, countless youth centers wouldn't have been saved, and Cru Jones would never have qualified for HELLTRACK~! if he didn't have "Thunder in Your Heart". He did indeed have thunder in his heart and every move of his was like lightning; it's the power he felt when he got his taste of the glory. I think we could all use some thunder in our hearts.

You're taking a chance, risking it all
For the thrill of the moment
Taking a stand, you ain't gonna fall
You've always known it

They're dying to shake you,
Trying their best to break you
And though the going is rough,
You're going home as a hero

'Cause there's thunder in your heart
Every move is like lightning
It's the power you feel when you get your taste of the glory
There's a fire gonna start
And you know they're going under
You can light the dark when they hear your heart of thunder

Cry of the wind, spirit of fire
The heart of a lion
Taking control, burning desire
Your flame never dying
Don't lose that feeling
Don't ever stop believing
There's one more moment of truth and you're gonna face it

'Cause there's thunder in your heart
Every move is like a lightning
It's the power you feel when you get your taste of the glory
There's a fire gonna start
And you know they're going under
You can light the dark when they hear your heart of thunder.
When they hear your heart of thunder.

I don't know about you but now I'm feeling especially inspired right now. If I had a BMX bike and a mound of dirt, by god, I'd jump it right now.

There so ought to be a RAD energy drink. Someone so needs to make it.

A friend described "Thunder in Your Heart" as sounding like a song composed by using elements from about a half dozen other 80s tunes cobbled together into one entirely new song- a frankensong, if you will.

Cru Jones does the impossible and qualifies for HELLTRACK~!. Unfortunately, mom has arrived and spoils his winning moment with a little piss & vinegar. She can't believe he skipped the SATs for a bicycle race. He emphatically tells her yet again that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity and, more importantly, the only thing he's good at is riding his bike. This would be a great time for a certain song by Queen. Cru satisfies mom by promising to take the SATs in 6 months, regardless. Oddly enough, the topic of the $10,000 he just won by qualifying is never brought up in the conversation. You'd think that would have made her slightly less pissed.

Duke Best is impressed with Cru and sends his Robert Goulet/Alex Trebek human hybrid flunky, Elliot Dole, played by Burt Reynolds movie regular Alfie Wise, to find out more about the 1,000,000-to-1 shot that could prove to be the underdog fly in his financial ointment. I guess you could call this character "The Best Man".

As Cru becomes something of a local celeb, Duke Best arranges a meeting with the young upstart. Like any multimillion dollar corporate CEO, he arranges this meeting to take place in a parked car outside of a small town diner. He tells Cru that he's going to make him an offer he can't refuse. What this offer is will forever remain a vague mystery because instead of seeing this scene play out we are instead treated to a comical scene of Bart Taylor's bimbettes shopping for clothes in a boutique they dub "rag city". We then rejoin the scene in the car where an angry Cru rejects Duke's offer while going on about how the two of them believe in very different things. Did Duke Best offer him a bribe to take a dive or did he try to solicit Cru for sex? We will never know for sure.

The ever arrogant Bart Taylor laments about why his boss is so worried about some local kid. Perhaps it has to do with Mongoose having millions in product waiting to go into department stores nationwide with Bart Taylor's pretty face on it, all contingent on him winning HELLTRACK~!, a race pitting the 20 best BMX riders in the country against one another yet it seems that the only one of the other 19 that matters is Cru Jones. Damn, you'd think he'd skipped ahead in the script too. You'd think Cru was some prophesized chosen one the way everyone seems to single him out as the one to watch. Best declares that he's never seen such raw determination in a kid. See. Cru Jones is the chosen one.

You have to admire Mongoose. Corporate villains are an overused cliché in cinema but in the case of RAD, the corporate villain is head of a real life corporation. You actually have to hand it to the folks at Mongoose for being good enough sports to allow their company to be used as the bad guys in the movie.

Cru arrives at HELLTRACK~! to practice but they won't let him in. He's told he can't compete without a sponsor. Chris has never heard of such a rule. Suddenly, Elliot Dole, that mustachioed sycophant appears and claims the honorable Mr. Best wasn't aware of this rule when he announced the inclusion of locals to compete in the qualifying race. Cru will still get the ten grand but won't be allowed to race HELLTRACK~!. The Best Man then smarmily tells Cru that all this is really his fault. Cru is pissed, Chris is confused, and Mr. Timmer, who overheard this entire conversation, plants the seeds for his eventual turn back to the light side of the force.

In reality, mass media would have picked up on this story and publicly vilified Best doing permanent PR damage to him, Mongoose, HELLTRACK~!, and BMX racing in general, especially since the guy that "overlooked" the rule and refuses to bend it just this once happens to be the guy that owns the top BMX company, is the main sponsor of HELLTRACK~!, President of FAB, and attempted to bribe the very kid he's now screwed over. Cru wouldn't need to worry about anything to come once the national media picks up on the story. But then that wouldn't have made for a more dramatic film, would it?

Cru's friends want to riot. "Let's go to HELLTRACK~! and rip that mother down" is Becky's call to arms. Innocent young Wesley, unaware of the capitalistic screwjob that her brother has fallen prey to, cheerfully arrives with a cheesy t-shirt she made that reads "Cru is RAD". At least that's what she claims is written on it.

CRO IS RAD?

A customer, clearly blind, offers to buy the hideous shirt. This gives Cru his big idea. He'll become his own sponsor: Rad Racing, maker of Rad Racing t-shirts. He'll use the $10,000 prize money to make the t-shirts. Technically, he'll use the ten grand to buy the materials for the shirts and then have his high school classmates make them. In exchange for these students sacrificing their free time, local nerds will join the cause by doing the volunteers' homework while they're taking part in the afterschool t-shirt sweatshop. I'm not really sure this sends the best message to all the kids out there watching. Instead of contemplating that I'll instead focus on the appearance of the film's only non-Caucasian, a student helping to make the shirts. There goes Cochrane's "Whitest in America" status.

Oh dear lord! Cru Jones has the one bandana around the one leg just like Chachi from Happy Days. NOOO!!! Don't go there, Cru! If he says, "Wah, wah, wah" I'll be crushed. Just because the movie is whiter than Happy Days doesn't mean he has to go Scott Baio on us.

With t-shirts sales going strong, Best simmering, and Taylor cocky as ever, it's time for more romance. And chalk one up to the editors. Cru and Chris are huddled in some shack out in the woods where he talks about what a big deal tomorrow is supposed to be. Either this scene was supposed to happen the day before the qualifying races or the day before HELLTRACK~!, but out of order here it makes no sense. Good job.

AN ACTUAL RAD RACING T-SHIRT AS FOUND ON EBAY FOR A WHOPPING $15

(AND THEY'RE UGLY TOO!)

Time to stomp all over Cru's dreams again. This time Best and his "Best Man" inform Cru of a bylaw that requires the sponsor company to be worth at least $50,000 in sales. With t-shirt sales only in the hundreds of dollars, Cru hopes are again crushed. Wesley physically assaults Elliot while Mr. Timmer lets Mr. Best know that he's not happy with this latest turn of events. I smell a geezer smackdown coming on.

Cru is ready to throw in the towel and pouts about how the little guy is no match for money and big business. Chris has had enough and reads him the riot act. "I thought you were a man," she cheap shots him with. Really? She thought he was a man? A man that does tricks on a BMX bike? A man that goes Ass Sliding? A man that has been repeatedly described by others as being immature? Nonetheless, having his manhood questioned by a future cast member of Full House is more than Cru Jones can handle. He picks himself up by his bicycle chain and is inspired enough to go deliver the town's newspapers in record time. Now the whole town is inspired too.

The angry townspeople gather their torches and pitchforks and rally together to yell at the Mayor, who, not surprisingly, takes the side of the corporate devil that's been lining his pockets. They want the town to foot the bill for $50, 000. Not everyone is happy about the thought of their tax dollars being used to enter a kid in a bike race. Those scattered voices are no match for the creepy station wagon lady ("And he's such a nice boy!") or Sgt. Smith after he demands the floor and gives an impassioned speech about the importance of hope over dollars that culminates with him chastising them by telling them that if they don't help Cru then they'll all "have to live with it." Yeah, choke on that, Cochranites.

Rad t-shirts sales thus far had only raised about $400. The townspeople only raised about $22,000. He's still about $27,000 short. Again, in reality, just going to the media should have been enough to bring the hammer down on Best's treachary.

It's finally time for HELLTRACK~!. The TV announcer welcomes us to the biggest event in BMX (at least until the X-Games come along), the self described Super Bowl of bike racing. Oh, how I wish Howard Cosell was around today just to hear him call the X-Games. If you've ever heard Cosell announcing boxing, Monday Night Football, or Battle of the Network Stars then just try to imagine that man with that voice and that vocabulary talking about the physics of a skate park and the degree of difficulty of performing a no-footed can-can. Just to hear his open the show with "We be hear to rock the house Moto X style! Word up!" Now that would have been something special.

Mr. TV Announcer is handed a sheet of paper and excitedly declares that Cru Jones has qualified at the last minute. Duke Best, who had been at the announcer's table, high-tails it to the Mongoose tent for a stiff drink and an even stiffer dressing down of his star riders. He orders the Reynolds to take Cru out of the race and guarantee a Bart Taylor victory. To put an exclamation point on how adamant about this he is, Best then smashes the glass of hard liquor on the ground. Oompah!

After learning that Cru qualified after Mr. Timmer purchased $27,000 worth of Rad t-shirts, unpleasantries are exchanged. Timmer tells Best he suspects those Rad t-shirts will be mighty valuable following the race. I know I wouldn't pay $15 for one of those ugly t-shirts even if it has been sanctified by Cru Jones. Push comes to shove and Timmer gives Best the finger. You just don't expect to see someone like Ray Walston making obscene gestures. He'll do this one more time again before the film is done. Throughout the race, Timmer and Best will be shown exchanging dirty looks at one another culminating in Ray Walston giving the single greatest flipping of the bird in motion picture history.

I GOT YOUR FAVORITE MARTIAN RIGHT HERE, BUDDY!

HELLTRACK~! time! The riders are announced individually. Seventeen of whom are genuine BMX riders of the day; some of them are today considered pioneers and legends of the BMX bike business - none of them matter except for Cru Jones, Bart Taylor, and Rod & Rex Reynolds. The only "real" rider whose name will ever be uttered again is that of a fellow by the name of "Hollywood" Mike Miranda and the only reason we keep hearing his name is because he'll wipe out three times during the race. The TV announcer more or less portrays him as a goof that can't stay on his bike which may have been because he was the only one with a good enough sense of humor to be willing to make a jackass out of himself for the movie? Although my pick for biggest goof would be one rider in particular who I believe went on to serve as the model for a certain puppet on Crank Yankers.

"I GOT MAIL! I GOT MAIL! I GOT MAIL! I GOT MAIL! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!"

Mom has chosen to attend the race. Talia Shire must be having flashbacks to the latter ROCKY films as her entire role in this film has been to scold someone and sit quietly in the crowd and react during the finale. Mom sits right next to the station wagon lady from earlier. "Keep an eye on the one in red. He's a local. He's such a fine young man," she says in a manner that sounds purely sexual to the woman from whose womb that fine young man came from. Mom is speechless. We're all speechless.

Elsewhere in the stands, this guy that looks like a skinnier Harry Knowles who has popped up occasionally to bad mouth his diner co-worker Cru tells the old lady seated next to him that Cru is actually his good buddy. He then starts mooching from the lady's box of popcorn. Maybe it really is Harry Knowles after all.

HOW MANY #1'S CAN THERE BE IN THIS RACE? WHO THE HELL IS THAT OTHER #1?

Is it just me or does Cru in his new custom made racing gear looks disturbingly like Inframan but with a helmet for a head and corporate sponsorship? Probably just me. How much cooler would Cru Jones be if he had Thunderball Fists? Cru Jones could have such a thing.

So, uh, HELLTRACK~!... A giant wall they go almost straight down.. Lots of twists and turns... Humps a plenty... Over hills... Up ramps... In and out of a giant cereal bowl... Crossing a plank... HELLTRACK~! was designed to combine the various skills and styles of BMX racers of the time. To me it looks like its one wacky makeover away from being something worthy of a Japanese game show. No doubt a difficult racetrack, but calling this HELLTRACK~! - I guess I just expected something a bit more hellacious looking. Nonetheless, I stand by my use of all caps and a tildebang.

With Cru Jones neck & neck with Bart Taylor, the Reynolds knock begin their dirty dealing by knocking Cru off his bike. Either someone screwed something up in post production or Chris has psychic powers that enabled her to begin yelling for Cru to "get up" a full three seconds before he got knocked down.

The editors of this film, they were not so rad.

Cru does indeed mount a major comeback and executes a 360 degree back flip to short cut his way back into third. This back flip prompts the TV announcer to yell, "Oh, my heart! A back flip! Hulk Hogan eat your heart out!" Yes, because when one thinks back flips they automatically think of 300-pound, roided up Hulk Hogan.

Despite maintaining a commanding lead and what would appear to be easy sailing to victory, Bart Taylor takes out a Reynolds twin (the other twin got KO'd somewhere along the way) and comes to a stop, patiently waiting for Cru to catch up for a mano-a-mano sprint for true BMX supremacy. Duke Best is mortified, the TV announcer is shocked, and the writing is on the wall.

In what should come as a surprise to no one, Cru Jones wins HELLTRACK~!, doing so in a photo finish with Taylor. I've always had some questions about the validity of his victory. As my gym class erupted in applause, I was too busy contemplating whether he actually won. To make things look a little more spectacular for the finish, the director has Cru performing one last trick as he crosses the finish line: a spin move that actually makes it look less like he crossed first and more like a moron that turned his bike sideways at the key moment so his opponent to snatch away the win. It's debatable either way, but the camera angle used for this climactic moment does Cru no favors. Nonetheless, the TV announcer instantly declares Cru Jones the winner. Either he had a better vantage point or the fix was in.

EXACTLY WHO WON HELLTRACK~!? I'LL LET YOU MAKE THE CALL: CRU OR TAYLOR?

Losing HELLTRACK~! seemingly negated every accomplishment of Bart Taylor's career, at least that's how it appears once the marketing deal goes bust costing Mongoose millions and Duke Best publicly fires him. Then former friends the Reynolds twins denounce him too. Nothing left for Taylor to do but sulk over to the Rad Racing Team and genuflect before bike-peddling godhood that is Cru Jones. Being a benevolent god, Cru Jones accepts Bart Taylor's humbling and Wesley suggests that maybe he should join the Rad team. RAD, the movie that defined a small percentage of a generation, concludes with the image of BMX god Cru Jones and former BMX god turned BMX demigod Bart Taylor holding up a BMX bike in celebration and as a sign of worship to the all-powerful BMX bike. I suspect they might start holding ritual sacrifices to the BMX bikes had the film not come to an end right there.

The closing credits feature yet more footage of true life BMX masters doing bike trick to the majestically rocking tune of "Thunder in Your Heart". That song is clearly Cru Jones' anthem.

All I can say about RAD is bless you, Hal Needham. While you're still not forgiven for those CANNONBALL RUN films this at least makes up for MEGAFORCE and BODY SLAM.

ALL HAIL CRU JONES! MAY HIS HYMN BE SUNG FOR GENERATIONS TO COME!

And perhaps we'll actually get a legitimate DVD release of the film before those generations come and go. Future generations need Cru Jones.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE