MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2

Bird Flu fever is beginning to sweep America. Not the actual fever, but the media's feeding frenzy of death & despair. Most shameless of all is the ABC Network's shameles avian flu scare flick FATAL CONTACT: BIRD FLU IN AMERICA. The producers claim that they want to raise awareness about the threat of bird flu. I say they've crafted a future camp classic. If you haven't already seen my review of the overwrought exploitation flick then I suggest you head on over to my blog and read my review, which you can do so by CLICKING HERE.

And just a head's up, next month's Foyeurism will see the long overdue revamped website. Nothing to dramatic but you might wanna head straight for the front page.

And so much for my streak of reviewing some of my movie favorites. Sigh.

 

TEARS OF DER CLOWN

 

"There is good. There is evil. And there is... The Clown."

Believe it or not, that is the tagline for "Der Clown," a German television series that ran from 1998-2001. While I've never actually seen the show, the prospect of seeing a Punisher-style vigilante in a clown mask whooping ass certainly appealed to me. Originally mentioned in my original B-WARE 2005 article, imagine my excitement when I got an English-subtitled DVD of 2005'S THE CLOWN: PAYDAY, a theatrically released follow-up to the TV show that had developed a cult following in Europe.

When secret agent Max Zander's friend died in car-bomb meant for him, Max decided to fake his death and live on as a crime-fighting phantom in a Clown mask. With the help from his potential girlfriend, journalist Claudia, and his helicopter pilot cohort Dobbs, a helicopter pilot, he acts as a phantom vigilante, known as "The Clown," much to the ire of both organized crime syndicates and the German police. When evil is afoot, send in the clown!

FEDERICO FELLINI'S HALLOWEEN

THE CLOWN: PAYDAY picks up where the television series left off. It seems the series ended on a down note as evidenced by the opening flashback. Max has retired from the world of circus-themed vigilantism and is now gainfully employed as the world's most bad ass mall security guard. He's taken the job at this mega mall because he knows that the hockey masked gunman that killed Claudia when they thwarted an armored car robbery will one day return to retrieve the mystery envelope he slipped under the mall fountain before getting away. This is all working under the assumption that the heavily armed thief in the hockey mask will one day return during mall hours, that Max will recognize the guy even though he was wearing a mask, and that Max will be in a position to be watching that very spot at that very moment in person or by surveillance camera. Does he live at the mall 24/7 watching and waiting? Never mind, it turns out he keeps the envelope in his work locker.

The late Claudia has an equally Aryan sister named Leah, who just happens to be a TV reporter that just happens to have received a hot tip telling her to be in just the right place for the hockey masked thief to show up, whip out a rocket launcher, and blow up an armored car convoy. This whole overblown (in more ways than one) heist is sort of like the one from HEAT if Simon West had directed it and a drunken Jerry Bruckheimer was sitting off-camera screaming, "Yeah! Blow it up! Make it go boom, director boy! We need more smoke! Mooooooore smoooooooooooke!"

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER'S FRIDAY THE 13TH

I'm still not sure what exactly was stolen. The important thing here is that Leah got nabbed in the process. Driving the getaway car is Xenia "Not actually Angelina Jolie but an amazing simulation" Seeberg, the former space hooker from the sci-fi series Lexx. She quite literally looks like someone managed to bring to life a Madame Tussaud wax statue of Angelina Jolie. She's almost a dead ringer for Jolie yet there's something about her complexion that doesn't seem fully life-like, something artificial about her skin tone. Her character is the villain's girlfriend/henchwoman, and since she hasn't been named I'll choose to just call her "Fishlips" since she has a set of the most obviously collagen enhanced lips I've ever seen.

Fun factoid time: Xenia Seeberg played the alien prostitute Xev on the show Lexx. She joined the show when the actress that played the part in the first season was unable to return due to scheduling conflicts. The actress that originally played the part was Eva Habermann, who is playing Leah in this film. Small world, huh? Especially when you consider that Xenia Seeberg just happens to be married to the guy playing Max Zander/The Clown.

The hockey masked thief finally removes his mask to reveal himself to be none other than Uwe Boll. I knew there was something fishy about how he got the money to fund his films. No, wait; it isn't Dr. Boll - my bad. It's just some German dude, but wouldn't it have been funny if it had been Boll?

Since nothing has blown up for at least 45 seconds, the villain chucks some hand grenades out the window to blow up the pursuing vehicles. Judging by the ensuing explosion and how airborne the chase vehicles fly into the air, the grenades must have been condensed bunker buster bombs. Massive explosion... Giant plume of smoke... Half dozen cars launched into the air in slow motion... More cars hit their brakes and still slam into the blown up cars... 23 cars totaled...

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN MICHAEL BAY EJACULATES

Police chief Fuhrmann is actually happy to hear that Leah is the hostage because he knows that being Claudia's sister should draw out the mysterious masked vigilante he's obsessed with unmasking. The police captain is like a very European version of the reporter trailing Bill Bixby on The Incredible Hulk or Colonel Decker from The A-Team.

Dobbs arrives at the mall and fills Max in on the situation, so sure of what will happen next that he even brings Max's old clown attire. Now here's some more logic for you... Furhmann's men have trailed Dobbs to the mall because they seem to know about his connection to the Clown and yet they don't bother just taking him into custody and grilling him until he gives up the vigilante's identity. For whatever reason, Max gets in full costume so that he and Dobbs can flee the mall; not exactly going incognito and trying to blend in with the crowd. This leads to a brief car chase that ends with Fuhrmann having to do his Roscoe P. Coltraine impression.

MY GUESS WOULD PROBABLY BE BECAUSE MOST OF THE PEOPLE THAT SEE YOU IN THAT RIDICULOUSLY PRETENTIOUS CLOWN MASK ARE TOO BUSY GETTING SHOT

We come to learn that the criminal mastermind guy in the hockey mask is named Zorbek, and, no, he's not Greek. Wait, that was Zorba the Greek. Well, this guy is Zorbek the German. The important thing is that German super criminals sneer an awful lot. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

They proceed to drive around Germany in a minivan picking up the other members of their crime team for the big heist four years in the making. The whole time Leah gets to be one of those hostages that really dumb villains in dumb action movies take with them everywhere they go without bothering to blindfold her or anything allowing her to see and hear nearly every aspect of their elaborate scheme so she'll be able to tell the hero about it later on. And yet this same master criminal kills one of his team members because the guy ordered a pizza to be delivered to their secret hideout.

It turns out that pizza delivery drivers in Germany really are a good source for criminal tips, particularly when one finds it odd that he had to deliver a pizza to a seemingly abandoned natatorium outside of town. This prompts Dobbs to exclaim,"Chalk up one for the team with the big red nose." Yeah, because as we all know, pizzas delivered to addresses thought to be abandoned must mean that a criminal element - the one you're specifically looking for - is huddled together there plotting something big. Actually, in this movie's universe it does. The Clown crashes a car through the natatorium window and it straight into the Olympic-sized swimming pool to distract the two disposable goons Zorbek left behind to keep her at gunpoint long enough for the Clown to sneak in the back way and gives them the Emmett Kelly meets Steven Seagal treatment.

After rescuing Leah, Max and Dobbs somehow put two and two together and get five. They figure out that Leah's kidnapping was all part of Zorbek's scheme to get him away from the mall (I guess the guy does live there 24/7!) and that the master scheme is a planned heist of the gold from the German Federal Reserve. This all before Leah even begins telling them what she's overheard. After the Clown reveals his true identity to her so the two can begin making goo-goo eyes at one another, it's off to the shopping mall to intercept Zorbek, "Fishlips", and a token black henchman.

Wait... I'm confused. If they didn't know the Clown's true identity then how did they know to lure him away from the mall and which security guard locker to break into to get the envelope with the plans that had been left behind years earlier? Did I miss something?

It's Sunday. Apparently, German mega malls completely shutdown on Sundays. The villainous trio march through the deserted shopping mall as only European movie villains can. They immediately deduce that the Clown has arrived upon hearing the sound of a helicopter passing overhead. The way characters in this film keep coming to accurate conclusions to things without any real evidence... They're all like Nicholas Cage in NATIONAL TREASURE. It's like they've all read several pages ahead in the script so they can instaneously solve complex riddles with the vaguest of clues.

They beat up the other old guard on duty, break into Max's locker, take the envelope, and even swipe the semi-automatic machine gun Max had secretly stashed behind the locker just like all good mall security guards do. Max responds by getting on the mall intercom and taunting Zorbek about having waited four years for this. Then they lockdown the mall, the Clown puts his mask back on, and the bad guys pull out heavy weaponry. It's on!

The Clown springs into action but he's got some ring rust from taking that four-year sabbatical. No, that wouldn't be an excuse because of how he dealt with the goons at the natatorium. Our hero is actually getting his ass handed to him to the point of nearly being killed until Leah - the seemingly worthless reporter/hostage - takes out the black henchmen, steals his machine gun, and saves the Clown from being gunned down by "Fishlips." Some hero.

The Clown then slips into a motorcycle shop on the second floor of the mall where they just happen to keep fully fueled bikes on hand. You can guess what happens next. Zorbek, who is now looking like the world's most evil maitre'd, hops onto another fully fueled and ready to go motorcycle that starts the second he sits on it and gives chase. A high speed bike chase on the second floor of a mall; how many miles long is this mall? It appears awfully enormous for a place that seems to only employ two security guards.

WHEN DINING IN EUROPE, ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO TIP THE MAITRE'D. IT'S NOT JUST COMMON COURTESY. IT COULD ALSO SAVE YOU LIFE.

As the chase makes it way up onto the top floor of the parking garage, the Clown spins the bike around a full 360 and removes his mask so that Zorbek can see the face of his sworn enemy, a bullet time-esque shot that should make Ryuhei Kitamura proud. With the Clown cornered, unmasked, and unarmed, Zorbek immediately stops trying to kill him, opting to taunt him instead. Cue Leah with the machine gun, a few more exploding cars, and Dobbs in the helicopter. Max seizes the moment and makes his escape by jumping a conveniently placed ramp structure that's conveniently in front of the convenient place where Dobbs' helicopter is conveniently hovering. A leaping mid-air hand grab is made. I seem to recall having to do something somewhat similar in one of the Grand Theft Auto video games. Zorbek's gunfire damages the chopper enough to make it crash, but everyone miraculously manages to bail out of it safely before it explodes (Four times!) on a neighboring rooftop.

Unscathed from the multiple helicopter explosions that occurred just 30 feet away from them, the 3 Klown Posse make their way to ground level and hotwire a minivan; just in time too since Fuhrmann has set up a blockade of police cars. Blockade, shmockade - screw it! Dobbs just flips the van over Fuhrmann's car. The van does a multi revolution horizontal flip in mid-air before violently crashing to the pavement where it does a few more flips, ends up back on four wheels, and speeds away with Fuhrmann looking on in disbelief, much like the rest of us are. The van is fine despite looking to have been totaled upon landing, and despite an impact that surely would have killed the occupants, nobody even suffers a slight case of whiplash. Max, Leah, and Dobbs drive off no worse for wear, even laughing about how they just showed up Fuhrmann yet again.

There's a scene in THE TRANSPORTER 2 where Jason Statham's car has a bomb placed on the undercarriage. His solution to this problem is to speed his car down the dock - it's happening at a marine port - at top speed and hits a ramp that sends the car careening through the air in a spin, upside down just long enough and just in time to pass under a huge crane. The crane's hook knocks the bomb off just seconds before it detonates. The car then completes its 360 revolution, lands it on four-wheels, and both he and the car escape unscathed. It's an utterly ludicrous moment but at least all it defied was the laws of physics. This moment in THE CLOWN: PAYDAY defies everything: physics, physiology, continuity, intelligence. There's simply no possible way to suspend you disbelief to this magnitude even in a no-brainer action flick like this.

DOBBS aka "RUSTY SHACKLEFORD"

Oh, and guess what? That minivan they stole - it's Zorbek's! Coincidence, thy name is Der Clown.

Using clues they've gathered combined with what Leah overheard, Max and Dobbs come to the conclusion that Zorbek and his band of thieves are planning to stage their heist from underwater. Sure enough, the Reserve is behind a dam. Why not just blow the dam? Oh, they do - and we see it in slow motion. Pouring water in slow motion isn't that impressive.

Claudia, Dobbs, and Clown get another chopper from an old friend with seemingly spare helicopters just sitting around in case of emergencies. Off to the head to the Reserve; the Reserve that isn't even on high alert even though someone just blew a big whole on the other side of the dam it's situated next too. Claudia contacts them on a secure channel telling them that the thieves have already gotten inside via the air ducts. The soldier scoffs because, "We're state of the art;" unlike the movie, which is soooooo 1990. I guess by state of the art they meant the gold reserve has electronic locks and laptop computers. The mall looked to have more state of the art security than the place housing the nation's treasury. Many a German soldier in a blue beret is gunned down. A couple henchmen are lost in the process. The remaining baddies begin loading the gold into a semi tractor trailer. I still don't fully understand this plan. Is the military just going to let them drive away in an impossible to conceal big rig loaded with the nation's gold supply. This Zorbeck guy is certainly no Hans Gruber.

Above the Reserve, Dobbs' fancy helicopter piloting is the only thing that saves them from being shot down by surface-to-air missiles. Clown and Leah jump to the roof of the Reserve amid military gunfire; Leah falls and slides down into the loading bay right at "Fishlips" feet.

Surrounded by cops and soldiers, Fuhrmann gloats as he has finally captured the masked vigilante when the Reserve's garage doors open up and the rig come barreling towards them with Leah strapped to the front grill.

DESPITE A TREMENDOUS AUDITION, VIRGINIA MADSEN STILL LOST OUT ON THE MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE ROLE TO THE GREEN GOBLIN

After an angry Clown KO's Fuhrmann and the rest of the cop and military just stand around with their thumbs up their ass, Furhmann's partner, who secretly roots for Clown, tells him to go save the girl. Despite having just robbed the German National Gold Reserve, it appears that tossing some explosives out the window, shooting a half dozen guards and strapping an Aryan beauty to the grill of a semi-truck is all it takes to deter both police and military from pursuing. Thank goodness for our true hero, Dobbs, and his trusty helicopter. Somebody explain to me why the Clown is supposed to be the hero even though Dobbs has pretty much been the only person to do anything substantial. As a matter of fact, the Clown isn't even The Clown anymore as Max spends the remainder of the film unmasked.

A surefire sign of undisciplined filmmakers: they still find time in the midst of this chase for a really bad attempt at humor with the truck passing by a motorist who tries in vain to convince his not paying attention wife that he saw a lady strapped to the front of the truck. Geez! How do you say "so funny I forgot to laugh" in German? "So lustig vergaß ich zu lachen." Thank you, Babelfish translator.

Sitting through THE CLOWN: PAYDAY hasn't been an ordeal but it is growing tedious. I don't know if the original TV series was any good or if I'd be digging this movie if I was more familiar with the series; I can only make a judgment based on what I've seen so far and all I've seen is an action hero whose sidekicks have performed more heroics than he has, as generic a set of movie villains you'll ever find, a barely cogent plot, basic logic that keeps phasing in and out of reality, excessive use of pyrotechnics, late 80s style action scenes without that spark of 80s kitsch, and did I mention that the hero is a total putz in constant need of rescue and assistance? I know this was a German theatrical release but for some reason it brings to mind those syndicated "Action Pack" telefilm/pilot movies from the mid-90s, the ones that spawned Hercules and Xena, but also showcased junk like the new Smokey & the Bandit and Knight Rider 2020. Albeit with better than average stuntwork. Nonetheless, something is seriously off with this Euro action thriller. DIABOLIK, it is not.

To begin putting things into fast forward, Leah will be rescued in a rather implausible manner involving the grill she's attached to being unhooked by Max lowers himself from Dobb's chopper and hooks it to a wench. Both are lifted into the air in a manner that really and truly should have ripped the poor woman's arms from their sockets since she's technically hanging from this thing with her arms still cuffed to the grill behind her back. The line gets severed by gunfire causing it to go careening down a hill like a boogie board and into a lake. Max has to scramble to unhook her from the grate before they both drown. On the plus side, they both seem capable of holding their breath longer than David Blaine. Of course, he has to keep blowing air into her lungs to keep her alive while he does it and when they finally get ashore they immediately begin making out like a couple of horny teenagers.

Did I neglect to mention the Max/Leah romantic subplot that had been building? With good reason! Max and Dobbs have also spent much of the film commenting on how Leah was so much like her deceased sister; every time she'd do something a little wild, one of them would smile and say, "Just like Claudia." For Max's sake, I hope he doesn't make the mistake of blurting that out after the first time he and Leah make love.

The chopper gets shot up so bad Dobbs is forced to crash land it atop the trailer of the speeding 18-wheeler. What follows is a nearly indescribable on the DARKMAN tunnel scene with the helicopter getting blown up as the rig passes under an overpass. Dobbs survives by diving off the back of the speeding rig head first. In reality, he splatters face first on the pavement below with the rest of him getting smooshed by the flaming wreckage falling to the ground. In the reality of this film, he manages not to die because his belt snagged the trailer's door handle on the way down leaving him hanging upside down. It also helps that he managed to momentarily deflated himself. Look closely at the pic below.

DOBBS - THE AMAZING DEFLATABLE UPSIDE DOWN HANGING MAN

Realizing that he's a cockroach that will not die, Zorbeck simply takes Dobbs hostage. They arrive at the airport to load the gold aboard their getaway plane. It's here that we finally here "Fishlips" name; Xenia Seeberg's character is named Mona. It only took 90 minutes to find that out.

Meanwhile, Max is nice enough to find a pay phone and take the time to call Dobbs' wife or girlfriend or whoever the hell she is and apprise her of the situation and promise to rescue him. He then turns around and calls Fuhrmann, and upon arriving, reveals his true identity to the cop. Fuhrmann obsessively crumples the mask in his hands as Max makes a deal to turn himself in exchange for his help rescuing Dobbs and stopping Zorbeck from getting away. Fuhrmann reluctantly agrees, muttering something about how honor always destroy people like Max, whatever the hell that means.

Say what you will about the effectiveness of the German SWAT, at least they drive in style. How many SWAT teams drive around in BMW's? A shootout breaks out at the airport shootout. Fuhrmann suffers a minor gunshot wound in the process. Mona orders the transport plane with the gold to take off while Zorbek forces Dobbs at gun point to fly him out of there with more gold loaded on a helicopter.

Another friggin' helicopter? Some guys are chick magnets; Dobbs is a chopper magnet. I'm half expecting him to pull one out of his ass.

The gold is making flying the helicopter difficult. The too much weight issue gives Max a chance to get aboard for the final clowndown with Claudia's killer. A close quarters scuffle ensues. In keeping with the theme of the film, Max gets his ass handed to him. In fact, Zorbek is millimeters away from putting a Rambo knife through Max's face. But Dobbs sharply tips the chopper to the side causing Zorbek to fall out the open door to his death. You read that correctly everyone. Let's recap. Dobbs avoids the missiles. Dobbs flips the getaway van to safety. Dobbs keeps rescuing the hero with his helicopters. And then Dobbs even kills the main bad guy, the man the Clown has been vowing vengeance against for years. Hey, there's still time left. Maybe the sidekick Dobbs can perform yet another act of heroism while the hero Max looks on with his thumb up his ass?

Mona in the cargo plane overloaded with gold has been having difficulty getting off the ground too. A catfight of sort is playing out as Leah in a BMW begins making things difficult for Mona, building up to a game of chicken between the car and the plane. I know who my money is on. But wait! Up in the sky! It's a whirlybird! Not a plane! It's SuperDobbs! The helicopter tips over so that all the gold dumps out, battering the plane. Call Bill Nye the Science Guy pronto because I want to know if falling gold bullion truly is heavy enough to smash plane engines so severely that the whole damn thing blows the hell up in a gargantuan ball of fire.

IF THERE'S ANY ONE THING I'VE LEARNED FROM THIS MOVIE IT'S THAT EVERYTHING IN GERMANY CAN EITHER BE SHATTERED OR EXPLODED

Remind me again why this film is about The Clown since thus far he ain't done jack shit. Why the hell this movie wasn't called DOBBS: PAYDAY is beyond me?

And then Fuhrmann does a complete 180, actually apologizes to Max for having not been there to save Claudia the day she was killed, tosses him the Clown mask, and says with a smile that he'll be calling on him when things get hot. Dobbs reacts in much the same manner we all are by saying, "Can someone tell me what's going on?" They all walk away ST. ELMO'S FIRE style, the best of friends. The end.

I usually try to come away from movies as terrible as this (Who me?) but I just gotta get something off my chest. Deep breath... Here it goes.

FUCK THIS MOVIE!

There... I said it. Believe me, it needed to be said. Was the TV series like this? Every week feature Max putting on the Clown mask and doing as little as possible while his sidekicks rescue him and do most of his work for him? I wanted to see this movie because I wanted to see a Punisher-style vigilante in a goofy clown mask whoopin' ass, not to see some German Dale Gribble hog the spotlight. What a complete waste of time. Pathetic!

MAX ZANDER, I AM IN TOTAL AGREEMENT WITH YOU!

That said I could totally see an Americanized version of THE CLOWN starring Steven Seagal. Think about it. You know that would be awesome. Hell, I'd go even take it one step further with the clown costume. Steven Seagal in full circus clown get-up breaking limbs and gunning down international criminals. Now that's money! Steven Seagal in DIE LAUGHING. Nah... Steven Seagal in CLOWN WITHOUT PITY. Meh... Steven Seagal in THE LAST LAUGH. That's it. There it is. I can already hear the movie trailer voiceover guy:

"They killed his best friend. They killed the woman he loves. They thought they killed him. But Steven Seagal is going to get (dramatic pause) THE LAST LAUGH."

Money in the bank, folks! Somebody get me his agent on the phone.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE FIRE DOWN BELOW