"Da
monster is loooooooooooose!" - REPTILICUS
MY
NAME IS SCOTT FOY and I PAID TO SEE TOYS!
TOYS. That
movie was so bad I wanted to go upstairs and beat the hell out of the
projectionist just to make a point! I will speak no further
of that dreadful film. This month, for my column, I will
not focus on any one particular topic but deal with three seperate items. The
first deals with a mummy that returned. The second is a tale
about a knight. The third is my own personal take on the
line-up for NOWFF 2001.
I can't come up with some witty title so let's just call this column:
MUMMIES,
KNIGHTS, and NOWFF 2001
The first blockbuster
of the summer has come charging out of the gates, made its way to the
winner's circle, and is ready to be put out to stud or, in this case,
processed into dogfood! Some have found THE
MUMMY RETURNS to be great, albeit mindless, fun. I,
however, found it to be more mindless than fun. Whatever
you opinion of the movie was, here are some random thoughts for you
to mull over:
10 Questions about THE MUMMY RETURNS
Why
do mummies roar?
Why
did they spend over $100 million dollars for CGI that made everthing
look like it
was made of rubber?
Wasn't
it amazing how that makeshift hot air balloon had rocket thrusters
on it even
though such technology didn't exist yet?
How
the hell did he rebuild that balloon to make the save at the end of
the movie
even though there was no possible way
to salvage it, and notice how the movie
didn't even bother to attempt an explanation
either?
If
the Army of Anubis was so fearsome, how come they couldn't kill a
singe Magi
during their skirmish?
Did
you realize that whole plot of the first film (mummy comes back to
life and wants
to sacrifice a woman to retrieve his ancient
lover's soul from the underworld) is
basically reduced to a minor five minute subplot
in the middle of the movie?
And
if that woman was already the reincarnation of his dead lover, then
why did he
still have to free her soul from the underworld?
Why
all the hype for The Rock's appearence in the movie
when he's only in it for 5 minutes and has
only two lines of
dialogue that aren't even in English?
Get
the feeling that The Scorpion King spin-off movie is
going to be to the Mummy movies what Red
Sonja was to the Conan movies?
And
finally, seeing as how the titles for the Mummy movies seem to be
following the
Batman route, will the next sequel be
called THE MUMMY FOREVER?
Personally, I can't wait for THE MUMMY
and ROBIN!
But enough with all this mummy nonsense, let's talk about A
KNIGHT'S TALE.
Ever
see that episode of The Simpson's where they go see a movie
called The Poke Of Zorro? As Lisa points out all
the historical inaccuracies and anachronisms, Bart tells her to be
quiet because "here come the ninjas." Well, The Poke
Of Zorro has come to life in the form of A KNIGHT'S TALE. See
medieval peasants clap along to and sing We Will Rock You! See
the Nike symbol engraved onto a suit of armor! See a medieval
ball turn into the dance contest from GREASE! See
Geoffrey Chaucer, author of The Canterbury Tales, transformed
into a medieval Michael Buffer!
Yes folks, its the medieval jousting version of THE KARATE KID
designed to appeal to the Total Request Live crowd! Arena
rock in the 1400s! Sitting in the theater, as the mostly
teen crowd laughed and cheered, I felt like Homer Simpson when
he got the crayon removed from his brain, became intelligent, and went
to see a lame Julia Robert's romantic comedy. Maybe
I just didn't get the joke or maybe I've just become too cynical, but
about the time they began dancing to the tune of David Bowie's
Golden Years my brain simply went numb as a defensive maneuver. Strip
away the rock soundtrack and the blatant anachronisms and you're still
left with a plot thinner than Calista Flockhart.
I've heard the maker of A KNIGHT'S TALE hopes to reunite the
cast to remake MOBY DICK complete with anachronisms and rock
music. Whoohoo! Why stop there?! Why
not do a teen version of QUEST FOR FIRE featuring such songs
a Papa Was A Rolling Stone, Light My Fire and Another One
Bites The Dust? Wouldn't a biblical movie be better by
adding arena rock? Imagine how much better CROUCHING TIGER,
HIDDEN DRAGON would have been with classic rock tracks by Blue
Oyster Cult and Iron Butterfly? Yep, the future
is now and the past is history! God bless Hollywood!
Now that I've finished with the two movies that could make their way
to NOWFF one day, let's take a look at this year's line-up, and what
a line-up it is. My personal opinion is that this is the
best (or would that be worst) crop of movies NOWFF has ever put on. See
for yourself.
NIGHT OF THE
LEPUS - It's about damn time this movie finally made
its way to NOWFF. It's probably the most requested movie
in NOWFF history. Giant, carnivorous rabbits wreak havoc
on Texas! Can Star Trek's Dr. McCoy save us? Watch
closely for scenes of guys in bunny suits pouncing on the extras. This
one is definitely a classic of schlock cinema.
EQUINOX
- I've never seen this one all the way through, but the few minutes
I have seen told me that this movie had a very low budget. The
movie co-stars Frank Bonner, aka Herb Tarlek from WKRP In
Cincinnati, so expect a record number of WKRP related quips
during the showing of this film.
JOURNEY TO THE 7TH PLANET
- It's been so long since I've seen this movie that I can only remember
a few things about it. I seem to recall a brain on the planet
Neptune, an astronaut getting killed when he gets caught in the futuristic
doors to the spaceship, and, if I remember correctly, the movie has
a blue-ish tint to it. I look forward to refreshing my memory.
PUFNSTUF - Until I saw this
movie listed on the NOWFF line-up, I wasn't even aware that there was
a movie version of the infamous Sid and Marty Kroft kiddie show. For
those not familiar with H.R. Pufnstuf, imagine Sesame Street
on acid! This one should really be a crowd pleaser. By
the way, no bongs will be allowed in the theater during the showing
of this movie.
VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS - While
this movie may very well be the most well known of this year's crop,
I must admit that I have never seen this cult classic. I
assume it must have something to do with a village and there must be
some giants involved too. My guess is that it really deals
with people who get shrunken.
THE TWONKY - This one's my
fault. I came across a copy of this obscure 50s cinematic
abortion and brought it to NOWFF's attention. I told them,
and still firmly believe, that THE TWONKY is worse than SEVEN
DWARFS TO THE RESCUE! The NOWFF staff didn't think it was quite
that bad, but they did name it to this year's line-up within 48 hours
of having first viewed it. THE TWONKY tells the story
of a mild mannered man who recieves a TV set that can walk, freeze people,
light cigarettes with a laser, counterfeit money, and cure sickness
amongst other things. Folks, we're talking about some very
deep hurting here! Every year at NOWFF, there seems to be
at one movie that is so painful to sit through that the audience
is basically screaming for the movie's end. I think this
is that movie. I think THE TWONKY is this year's MOTHER
REILLY MEETS THE VAMPIRE. You have been warned.
If The FoyWonder thinks THAT movie
is the worst we have to offer, he obviously doesn't recall GALAXY
INVADER very clearly. -Ed.
GALAXY
INVADER - I remember renting this little low budget
gem years and years ago. Basically, a reptilian humanoid
alien armed with a laser gun crash lands in the middle of sticks and
proceeds to play the hunter/hunted game with the local rednecks. From
there its basically PREDATOR meets DELIVERANCE! Well,
maybe that's not completely accurate, but its certainly a white trash
PREDATOR. This one even has a Mystery Science Theater
3000 connection. Footage from GALAXY
INVADER is shown during the opening credits of POD PEOPLE
on MST3K. Why? I don't know, but several
movies on MST3K had footage from other movies in their opening
credits. On another note, GALAXY
INVADER's director, Don Dohler, also made one of my personal
faves from the late 70s entitled THE ALIEN FACTOR. GALAXY
INVADER, while by no means a good movie, does have a certain
charm to it much like THE GREEN SLIME.
New Orleans Worst Film Festival presents NOWFF 11: A NOWFF ODDESSY on
June 9th, 2001 and its going one hell of a show. Or would
that be 12 hours of hell? I just hope I don't get lynched
by those who find out I'm the one responsible for getting THE TWONKY
shown. Oh well, see you there!
MY
NAME IS SCOTT FOY and I PAID TO SEE STONE COLD!
